Talk, exchange, it sounds simple, but we do not always realize effect that we do, emotion that we share or that one we provoke to whom we talk to.
For even if we share same language, each has his own way of expressing himself, due to his family habits, culture, his work habits, his own childhood wounds, social or geographic environment in which it operates, etc. But also, each sharing much more than words, sometimes even his own pain, without necessarily realizing it.
So even if one is expressing his heart, if one really tries to be well understood, we sometimes found in astonishing misunderstanding situations.
Human needs in interaction
In his book “Cultural foundation of personality” (1945), anthropologist Ralph Linton tells us about individual’s needs, their role in human behaviour and their influences during interactions. While it is difficult to classify these needs, universal need that seems most important is response to emotional need: “It is this answer need, and especially favourable response, which essentially determines man to socially behave in acceptable manner. we conform to our society customs as much by desire to get an approval than by fear of punishment. ”
Then come need of security, also universal, and need, less restrictive, of novelty. First refers of course to our own needs to protect ourselves from aggression (each of us has his own “Achilles heel”), second refers to exchanges values (learn, discover…), although often share and reshare also meets need for security, precisely.
Beyond protagonists personal expectations in verbal exchange, which often involved misunderstanding if those are not clear, not verbalized, not accepted and/or not recognized, there are also many possible interferences can add to a misunderstanding: it is non-verbal language. Of course, there is the tone, which confirms what is said, or reverse; sarcasm, aggression, bad faith, offensive/defensive, etc. It is easiest nonverbal aspect to recognize. But there is also a long list of other signals that are part and which constitutes nearly 70% of communication during an interaction!
According to Y. Winkin (The new communication, Seuil, 1981) which defines and studies communication as “a permanent social process,” here is list of those signals: “speech, gesture, gaze, facial expression, interpersonal space, etc.”. Add silences, gestures, posture, facial expressions, tone of voice, speech cadence, clothing, [makeup, scars, tattoos, piercing] … that complete auditory message. They express emotions, feelings, values, [social class, health status]. We constantly send and receives nonverbal cues that pass through facial expressions, gestures and postures, voice tone, clothing, hair, makeup, smell, silences, touch. ”
All these signals enhance and give credibility to verbal message when adapted to it, but can also discredit or contradict what is expressed verbally.
To top it off, in addition to this long list, there are all non-visual signals, that we feel intuitively or instinctively. Even with verbal and non-verbal hyper controlled, we emit waves, an energy emanating from our body through our aura (our subtle body) which is quite impossible to control!
Of course, everyone will not perceive it, but yet everyone in working a little bit, would be able to. This is another topic
According to Robert Bruce, “The human aura is both an energy field and a reflection of vital energies of body. These energies make us what we are, and they also are affected by our environment and our lifestyle. Aura reflects our health, our character, our mental activity and our emotional state. It also shows disease – often long before onset of symptoms. “. Thus, during a conversation, aura energy moves and changes colours constantly depending on emotional states we are in, memories which conversation reflects, postures in which we are, etc.
Some simple rules to work in continuous present
Many studies have been done on subject, we will not make an exhaustive list, simply quote a few basic rules, some relate to language itself, others, like the Toltecs agreements relate more deeply to person speaking…
Rules for a quality verbal exchange
- If I do not love me, I could not love another or receive love from other
- Self-talk to other and not talk on the other, “I love when you’re Skirt” rather than “you should put a skirt”
- Differentiating feeling and relationship, “I can love you but our relationship is not good”
- Being faithful to itself, be genuine: Say yes that says “yes”, say a no that says ‘no’
- To build a healthy relationship, first step is that everyone knows to define himself by clearly expressing his request to other.
- Everyone is free to accept or reject request of another. Otherwise it is a terrorist relationship where one needs the other to supplied its needs = parent/child relationship.
- Any unformulated request does not need to be satisfied.
- Behind reproach, (charge) there is a malformed request.
- Never confuse the person and his request or behaviour.
- I will never question felt of the other, I “confirm it”: “I understand that you’re angry. I can see your frustration “
- It is not what happens to me that is important is that I do of what I feel: take responsibility on ourselves is to realize that when I live feeling or emotion, it my creation (according to my story) so it is my responsibility to care of.
- Create conditions for everyone to feel free and safe to Ask, Decline, Giving, Receiving
- Ensure that each has its relational needs adequately supplied:
- Need to tell me
- Need to be heard
- Need to be recognized
- Need to be upgraded
- Need privacy
- Need to belong
- Need to create, influence
Be in accordance with the Toltecs agreements1
Let your speech be impeccable
Speak with integrity, only say what you think. Do not use speak against yourself or to speak ill of others.
Not react to anything personally
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their dream. When you are immunized against it, you are not victim of needless suffering.
Do not make assumptions
Have courage to ask questions and express your true desires. Communicate clearly with others to avoid sadness, misunderstandings and dramas.
Always do your best
Your “better” changes from moment to moment. Whatever circumstances, simply do your best and you will avoid judging yourself, blaming yourself and have regrets.
Be sceptical, but learn to listen
Do not believe yourselves, or anyone else. Use doubt strength to question everything you hear: is it really the truth? Listen intention behind words and you will understand the real message.
1 These agreements are developed and discussed in the two works below:
• “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, Paris, Youth Publishing, 1999 (first edition), 2006 (pocket version).
• “The fifth Toltec agreement” Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz, Paris, Guy Trédaniel publisher, 2010.
Be in accordance with our inner self
In order not to be in contradiction during a verbal exchange, with these waves we are emiting, simple rules are to be tried and to be practiced in each moment.
We stated in the previous rules, be consistent with his inner self, is essential; we can sometimes be, in conscience or instinctively, but we can equally be disagreeing with ourselves without realizing it. For this and for each, a introspection personal work is first necessary, but also constantly to know ourselves: find out who I really am. Continuously because it is “the way” rather than the goal, and our relationships and exchanges with other also used to this, to cognize, to re-cognize myself and others.
You never meet someone by chance, whether for an hour, a day, a month, a year or more. Every relationship is a “mirror” instant that just reflects a piece of who I am. Thus, exchange, interaction, just point us or teach us something related to our inner self: to enrich, to become aware of it, to repair, to discover, to accept, to change, to become aware … this is the way to re-know oneself…
To satisfy our need for novelty, learn and accept oneself is essential, it is THE Way, first not to relive conversations in series : if a conversation is coming and that we see, hear or learn nothing, probably the subject will happen again with another form, maybe with other people, so that “positive” teaching makes us forward on our personal Way.
Thus, walking, we know better ourselves and each other, we accept ourselves, we love better ourselves, and we learn to recognize our deepest needs and especially to answer them simply. Saying yes or not fully, for instance, refuse and accept in conscience too. So we emit waves reflect our well-being, we are in CONSISTENCY.
This consistency gives us peaceful relations, quality of interactions and quietly rejects which can bring nothing.
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Auteure : Marcelle Godefroid – http://hight-energy.com/2016/10/01/: http://hight-energy.com/2016/10/01/to_speak_is_to_s…words_and_worlds/